An Interesting Hell or A Boring Kingdom

My life as an English teacher in Korea would be perfect if I wasn't an English teacher.

That sounds wrong, so let's be more specific.

I hate my school? Does that sound fair? No? Too bad. (Great- now I'm talking to myself.) Anyway, things haven't improved in the office. As always, management is completely inept and infuriatingly clueless. As always, my co-workers and I all laugh and leave on breaks to eat together, and slowly grind our teeth away to stumps and watch as our hair turns grey and our foreheads wrinkle.

But really I think that's all part of the experience here.

Would I appreciate just standing through a 45-minute bus ride next to a business man in a slightly rumpled suit who smelled strongly of kimchi and fish market if it wasn't for the fact that my Head Teacher is constantly waiting until AFTER the class bell rings to tell me plans have changed and making me bend over backwards while running to make it look like she can run a functioning teaching staff?

Would I laugh as hard speaking in broken Japanese in a Korean class with my deskmate to fill in the Korean words we didn't know ("tanjoubi?" "saengil"; "tomodatchi?" "chingu") if it wasn't for the fact that no one understands me ever and we might as well all be speaking our own dialect of Japano-Engli-rean because language is funny and language barriers are almost unconquerable?

Would finally finding a music store and running my fangirly hands over every SHINee album they have been so satisfying if I hadn't moved to a rural place completely devoid of the Kpop sub-culture?

No, of course not. Not at all.

My Sabunim (hapkido instructor) is a very wise man. In language class today he told me a famous Korean writer once said, "Korea is an interesting Hell. But Australia is a boring Kingdom." And all things said and done, I like my Hell. I like watching the ridiculousness of drunken ahjusshi trying to walk straight lines home after a Wednesday night of beer, cigarettes, and women who they probably aren't married to. I like being able to do things like plug in a massage chair at Lottemart, take my shoes off, and have a nice nap for 20 minutes because no one will come up to me and tell me not to. I like sharing food with my students. Running across 5-lane highways to catch the last bus home. When my Korean text messaging service talks to me in Obama's voice. Poorly subtitled Western movies. Poorly spelled/translated/written English on things people display proudly on t-shirts, bags, tattoos, etc. I like that when people see me on the street from second story cafes they don't just wave, but sway their whole body like a tree in the breeze to get my attention.

So instead of stressing out I'll push the burning brimstone off of my desk, listen to SHINee, drink a coke (which is apparently called "cock" here- as in "you really like to drink cock." or "cock is your life"), and watch the sparks fly.

Sleep Jesus And A Trip To Seoul

Remember those magical times in school when you had "The Most Important Test Ever" coming up and you'd get really angry at your teachers for still pushing you in class and giving you homework because you KNOW they know you have "The Most Important Test Ever" coming up?

I'm not so old that I've forgotten what a National Exam feels like (Shout out to everyone in NY who had to suffer through the TONYSS and REGENTS for 13 years- what what!!). Maybe I'm too soft a teacher. Maybe I'm a push-over. For whatever reason, I spent the last week going kind of easy on my older classes who have exams coming up. We get through the lesson quickly and I give them some time to unwind with a game or study. Normally my older students are reserved in class. It's hard to get them to participate, they're too tired and hungry to want to play along with you. So I was surprised at how much my normally stoic group of teenagers shared with me just by letting them play a game of cards.

"My friend is Sleep Jesus." Says one of my boys completely out of the blue.

"Sweet Jesus?"

"아니아니 (no no). SLEEP Jesus."

"I don't know what that is."

"He knows all the best ways to sleep during class without teacher knowing. Want to see?"

"Sure." My student then shows me no less than half a dozen positions that make it look like he is totally captivated by his work, then emphasizes the fact that his eyes are closed. If he hadn't told me he would be pretending to sleep I'd never know it! I laughed at the time and told him about ring tones that old (read: Teacher) ears can't hear. Then the other boy in class showed me a magic trick and we are henceforth and forevermore bros just by sharing a bit of classroom trickery. Little did I know that Sleep Jesus would become my savior as well...

Saturday I was woken up at 7:00 and told to get in the school van. We had an impromptu workshop for our school franchise, located conveniently in Seoul four hours away. I spent the four hours having a long, hard grump over losing my weekend to work. On the bright side of things, I literally drove from one end of the country to the other for free. Lots of sight-seeing even if the weather was crazy-varied from province to province. My own town is averaging about 70-75 degrees now. We ended up in Seoul a whole 15 degrees colder. Brrrrr.

At one point we drove through a snow storm. But only for about a half hour. Crazy weather...

We stopped on the way there at a rest stop for some food. My co-workers indulged in some greasy street food before we ate, but with me not having a gallbladder and wanting to shape up before my Hapkido competition next month, I held off for a proper meal.

Two of my coworkers getting their eat on street-style.

                  

Not a bad layout for a gas station, right?

 We get dropped off at the university our workshop is being held at and filtered into an auditorium with tons of other foreigners who work at any one of the other 400 schools in my franchise. I look at the speakers lined up with their fake smiles and condescending power points. No, I don't need to learn how to get a visa- I've had one for three months. Yes, Korean culture is "weird". Oh, you mean the school system is different here? Wow! Cue Sleep Jesus. Laughing a little bit to myself, I slipped my tablet on the table and employed the most effective of Sleep Jesus' tactics. I felt a bit immature sitting in a teaching workshop while texting, napping, and playing on Facebook but we'll call it my Testimonial after being woken and carted and cold all day.

And by the time the first speaker was finished, I definitely wasn't the only one praying to Sleep Jesus.

Amen.

Happy Singles Awareness Days! (No. Really.)

If I told you I've been busy on dates would you forgive me for not posting a blog last week? Actually, my dates are what prompted this week's entry! No, you're not going to get any of the details here (that's what Skype and e-mail is for, muahahaha!). Korea has about three times as many love holidays as we do in the States, so let's talk about them

April 14th is Black Day here in Korea, which is basically Singles Awareness Day. If you're single on April 14th you go out and eat 짜장면 (Jjajangmyeon). 짜장면 is a noodle dish with a black sauce- hence the name Black Day. I went out with a guy friend today in search of some of the noodles (explain celebrating a single's day with a guy, anyone? haha) in the celebratory spirit except we couldn't find any. We settled on some spicy udon with some seafood mixed in instead with a side of california rolls, which honestly probably tasted a lot better than black bean sauce and noodles would.

 Our Black Day feast! Thanks for the good company and good food, Moonsung!










Working backwards, the lover's holiday before Black Day is called White Day. On White Day (March 14th) boys will give candy to the special ladies in their lives. Since I'm a teacher, all I've seen of White Day is the standard "bring some for everyone in the class" kind of celebration, but I assume it can be made a little bit special for couples, right? I believe I posted about the White Day candy I was given by one of my students last month.

Then of course there is Valentine's Day, February 14th. Valentine's Day is the typical consumerist propaganda, chocolate and card company money scheme that we know and love back in the States- but there's one difference. Valentine's Day is only for girls to give chocolates to boys. It's a good way for 12-year-old girls to confess their little crushes on classmates, but I haven't heard of adults celebrating it with any seriousness.

I suppose lover's holidays are such a big deal in South Korea because they're a socially sanctioned escape from the general conservatism that frowns on PDA. I'm almost certain he was joking, but someone explained to me that it works like this: On Valentine's Day a girl gives a boy chocolates. He doesn't like her so on White Day he doesn't return the favor. Then she's so upset about it she goes out and eats 짜장면 (a whole month later, riiiiiight).

Happy Singles Awareness Days, everyone!

Korean Students Say And Do The Darnedest Things

I'm convinced that whoever started that rumor that Asian children are polite, studious, and dedicated either never met an Asian student or was a bold-faced liar.

That isn't to say I don't have GOOD students, because I do. There's just...some taming involved. From what I've observed my Korean co-teachers tame via fear and punishment. This does not work for me for a few reasons:
      1. I can't muster a stern face to save my life.
      2. Half of students are taller than me. (Speaking of rumor-starters- short Asians? Not in my Asia...)

and the biggest reason:

      3. I am FAR too amused by the evil things my students say and do to even think about punishing them. So, in honor of my students' willful spirits and my lack of classroom management skills, here's a collection of some of the more precious moments I've shared with my little angels (many of which concerning a student we'll call SW as he is particularly angelic):

~ I have tattoos, one of which being very visible as it's on my wrist. This isn't a problem, despite what you might hear about the tattoo stereotyping in this part of the world. If anything, my students from ages 6 to 16 are politely curious. That is, except for SW. The first day my tattoo was exposed to SW's class, I knew it had happened because SW jumped out of his seat into some semblance of a martial arts ready-stance and yelled, "You a gangstuh, baby, c'mon man FIGHT!" Some version of this phrase has been his special greeting for me every since. It's been weeks.





~  "Teachuh, what time o'clock it is?"

~ "Hey teacher?"
   "Yes?"
   "Ah, no. No." (Repeated at least 10 times a class. One of my boys LOVES this game. And he always wins.)

~"Teacher, 똥 (Ddong) spelling in English what?"
  "...-sigh- It's poop." (This is almost always followed by asking about "방구" (bangu- fart))

~ Me: -Taking attendance- Oh, where is [student] today?
   Entire class: [student] IS DIE!
   Me: I had to ask.

~ While going over the rules in SW's class, I felt guilty for giving such young kids so many restrictions (I no longer feel bad for this, so don't worry). Trying to lighten up the mood, and knowing a student had farted in class the first day and the kids still laughed about it I added:

   Me: If anyone gas? Whole class detention!
  SW: -Promptly stands up, winks, slaps his ass, and gives me a thumbs up.-

~ Student (age: 16): -Walks into the Teachers' Office- N~~~~ Teacher, you are very pretty.
   Me: 헐? (Hull. Kind of the Korean equivalent to "whatever" or "What'chu say?!")
   Student: I didn't do my homework. You have three options. You can accept. You can let me e-mail you my homework tonight. Third is you can give me detention. But if I'm detention, can't send my homework. Oh! -Hands me a chocolate-
   Me: . . .You could have done your homework in the time it took you to buy this candy and look up how to say what you just said to me on Naver (similar to google).
   Student: Yeah....Yeah, I know.

~Me: Okay, class. The word is "Mother". Who can make a sentence using the word "Mother"? (Note: we repeat these sentences as a class then write them on the board- they're 8-10 years old.)
   SW: TEACHUH, ME!
   Me: ohgod...SW. Tell us about "Mother".
   SW: Tch. My Mother very very lazy!

~And last but not least, something cute. In SW's class is a kid I always call Tiger. He's a polite, shy little 10-year-old and always good to have in class. About two weeks into the semester I get a new student in the class- a boy who chose to go by the English name Ryan. One of my students, SN, raises his hand and dances in his seat, SO excited to tell me something. And when I call on him, he proudly points out to the me:

   "TEACHUH, TEACHUH- Tiger and LION!"

Yeah, I had to sit down for a minute. But good-natured SN laughed with me.

So that's a little taste of what I deal with 8 hours a day.

                           ~N.